


Secret

by halfhuman2214



Series: Loner Universe [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, Secrets, Self Harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-06 13:19:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1859517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfhuman2214/pseuds/halfhuman2214
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael has a secret. One he has tried so hard to keep. Yet the universe seems to be against him.</p><p>Trigger warning. Just so you know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Luke

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what the boys life is like or was like, nor do I know how the used to be, I only can promise you that this is a work of my imagination and all errors are mine.
> 
> Sorry for all the POV changes. I wanted to get both sides of it.

Luke POV

IT was so hot today, I looked over at Ash and Cal, they were dressed similar to me in shorts and only shorts. Michael on the couch, in long pants and a tee. He was always in some sort of covering clothing, as long as I have known him, including the year me and him hated each other. Calum said that one year he just stopped dressing appropriately for the weather and never did again. I never asked about it again, he had a look on his face. But I also noticed he never is in any form of undress around us, it wasn't unusual for one of us to be naked, thats just how we rolled. But Michael would just shift uncomfortably in his seat, and he never goes swimming with us. He just talks in circles before leaving in a huff, which is what just happened.

Michael POV

I stood nearly naked in front of the mirror in my hotel room, my eyes studying every scar on my body. They littered my torso and legs by the hundreds, there were a few on my upper arms as well. They were my battle scars of a war I have been fighting for a very long time. The boys don't know, I stopped self harming, I'm doing better. Some days are bad, sure. Those are the days I stay in bed, one of the boys usually comes in and sits with me till I have to get up. They don't know why, nor will I ever tell them. They don't need to worry about my mental health.   
"Shit!" Luke yells. He shuts the door and his next words are muffled. "Sorry Mikey."  
I turn around to look at Luke, who has his hand over his mouth and his eyes wide. I hold his gaze for a moment before dropping it in shame and pulling my shirt on. 

Luke POV

I stand there with my hand over my mouth, my eyes taking in all the scars on his body. Some of them were bright red, others white. Some were raised in harsh bumpy skin and others were flat. But there were a lot of them, some dipped down below his boxer waistline. I drag my eyes up to meet his face. I drop my hand and try to say something. But nothing comes to mind, and in the silence he puts on his shirt and reaches for his pants. "Ash and Cal are going swimming. They wanted to know if you wanna go. But umm." I say trailing off.  
"I'm good." He says sitting on the bed. Oh god there are some on his shins even. He pulled on his pants. "You going?" He asked.  
I shook my head no. "I was, but I think we should talk."  
"Oh." He said flopping down on his bed.   
"Imma text Cal. Tell him we aren't going. Then you are gunna spill." I sit next him and pull out my phone. He shifts a little and starts playing with his fingers nervously. "I told him we were gunna game. He says have fun." Mike nods silently. "Come on Mikey talk to me. Please."  
Michael sighs and rolls over to his stomach. "What is there to tell? I used to be a cutter. Now I'm not."

Michael POV

Luke sighed and I bit my lip. 'Great now he thinks you are a freak. Great going Clifford. When are you going to stop being such a fuck up?' The angry little voice yelled at me inside my head. It was times like these the urge comes back. It was the only thing that made the voice quiet.   
"But why. I just want to understand." Luke says grabbing my hand.  
I shrug. "I will let you know as soon as I do." I smile a sick sort of smile. And continue. "I was depressed. It let out the pressure that was building up. It made me feel alive. Like I could still feel something other then sadness. I knew it was wrong, but that isn't what mattered at the time. I reached a point where i didn't care if I lived or not, all I wanted was the release, or so I thought." I trailed off picking at my fingers.  
"What happened Mike."  
I shrugged again, I could tell i was getting on his nerves about my whole non chalontness about the subject, but I had already dealt with the why I stopped. "It is scary when blood is pouring out of you without stopping, especially when you haven't said your goodbyes. I kept thinking you messed up this time Mikey, you have everything, and you threw it away. And worse, you are brining the boys down with you. After that I was scared every time I did it, kinda ruins the rush. Eventually I stopped." I look at Luke and he looks like he is trying to digest it.  
"Why didn't you think you could come to us? We could have helped you." He said,

Luke POV

I watched him tell his story. I watched his pain and fear cross his face. Like he was trying to rationalize it. But there is nothing rational about this and I still want to know why. "Why didn't you think you could come to us? We could have helped you." I said hoping it would get me answers.  
He stood up. "It was year 7 Luke. All I had was Cal. He was my only friend. I was just the weird gamer kid who sat in his room all day, alone, and the depressed emo kid. And god, if I lost Calum I..." He trailed off and covered his face, but I didn't need him to finish. I have the sinking feeling we wouldn't be having this conversation, or any for that matter, we might have never had the chance to hate each other. I opened my mouth to comment but he continued. "Then you joined our group, and I had two people to talk to. I had another person in my life. Then Ashton joined. And he had his issue, and his reasons were so legit you know? Mine weren't. I am just some kid, who had it great and I got sad and over reacted." He got up, ran his hands through his hair, then shot himself a look in the mirror that was dripping in self disgust. His facial expression changed drastically, and he disappeared into the bathroom locking the door behind him. I was to the door in seconds.   
I banged on the door calling out "Mikey. Mikey open the door." I hear clattering on the floor and my anxiety kicked up. "Michael, open up this fucking door." The clattering continued till it fell silent. "Mikey. Please. You are better then this." I was getting desperate. What if he hurt himself again.

Michael POV

I had to stand, sitting still wasn't helping anything. I ran my fingers through my hair, which had to be a disheveled mess. I caught my reflection in the mirror. I was paler then normal, my hair more a mess. 'He hates you again Michael. He is going to tell the boys about poor pathetic Michael Clifford got a little sad and destroyed how he looks. Not even Calum will want to be friends with you.' The little voice said. It was my voice, my brain voicing all of my fears and insecurities in a violent way. I could feel the tears threatening to fall and I ran into the bathroom locking the door behind me. I could hear Luke saying thing, banging on the door. But I tuned him out. I needed my razor, I needed to hold it. I dug through my bathroom bag, and getting frustrated I dumped it out. Luke's banging and words got more frantic, I tuned him in and caught the tail end of "I'm calling the boys."  
Panic flooded me. "NO!" I yell.  
I hear him sigh, "Then can you let me in?" He asked.  
"I... I didn't... I didn't do anything. I... I swear." I stutter out.  
He sighs again. "I'm so happy to hear that. You scared me there for a second. I could hear noise, but I could't see what you were doing. Can you open the door? I can talk to you better that way." I hesitated for moment. "Please Mikey." He croaks out. I crawl to the door and flick the lock then crawl back. 

Luke POV

I hear movement and the lock clicks. I open the door so not to scare him, he is sliding into the space between the sink and the toilet. I enter the room wary of the contents of his bathroom bag dumped out on the floor. I walk in a little more, shutting the door behind me. His eyes never leave me, they watch my every movement. He reminds me of the Michael I knew in school, scared and small all the time. And now that I knew more about him my heart broke. I sit down across from him, the silver razor in his hand reminded me of how serious this was. I put my hand out, he flinched away. "Mikey, I'm not gunna hurt you. I promise, I just want the razor."  
He shook his head. "It helps me, g... grounds me. P... pulls me away f... from my thoughts." He paused for a second then adds. "I didn't cut. J... just holding it helps."  
He reminds me so much of the Michael before, nothing of the new Michael. He has been the cool and confident Michael for so long that I forgot this Michael existed. "Mikey, I believed you the first time. I trust you. I just..." I paused to collect my thoughts. "Let me ground you. Instead of holding on to that come find me. You are so strong for fighting this alone, but you don't have to be alone in this. I'm here for you, and I know if you told the other boys they would be too."  
"But Ashton had his reasons, I don't." Michael mumbled out.  
"Every one works in different ways Mikey. You and Ash are two different people and depression is a tricky illness. Sometimes it's chemical, other times it's environmental. It could even be both. You had your reasons. I bet you fought like hell for a long time."  
"I was always alone. My parents were never home." I held my breath. I had gathered from the little time I had spent at the pale boys house, the tiny bit of warning Cal has given me about how we never ever bring up Michaels parents, and his reaction whenever my parents or one of the other boys parents showed concern that his parents weren't that attentive. But he had never talked about his parents willingly. "They would leave a couple hundred on the counter for food, whatever else I needed or wanted. The bills were always paid. I was lucky if I saw them for 5 mins a month. And on the rare occasions that they were home for the night they never checked in or ever spoke to me. I made do, tried to still develop "normal" behaviors. We see how well that worked out." He made a ehh gesture. "One night I realized what's the point of trying. My parents don't care, why should I put in the effort." 

Michael POV

I took a breath and started talking about my parents. The only other person who knew about them were Calum. I mean I tried to be normal, but look at me, I have green hair and self harm scars all over my body. And I never really developed any social skills, can't hold a conversation with any sort of two way information. It tend to ignore people who try to converse. "Mikey, can I take a closer look? You can tell me the first, the last and any stories in between if it helps. I want to understand." Oh god, he wants to see them. It will prolly gross him out. I nod anyway and shift slightly, I pull at the bottom of my shirt before removing it completely with the razor still in my hand. I stand and remove my jeans, before sitting back down again. "You did that with... Are you hurt?" I shake my no, swap the blade to my other hand and show him that I'm not injured. He nods and studies my body.  
I take an uneven breath. "The first time was the only time I cut on my wrist." I pointed to barely there scars on my left wrist. The last time was on tour 4 months ago. I had been doing it less and less, didn't plan ahead, just was able to control the urge after that." I pointed to a few on my lower thigh. "The night that scared me started with me messing up one night on the Take Me Home tour. I cut to deep on a artery." I lifted up the left leg of my boxers to reveal a raised ugly red scar on the inside of my thigh. I hear his breath catch and he reaches out to touch it. I flinch away, but continue explaining some of them. Now that I have started I need to continue. "I... I made these after we found out about Ash." I point to some bright white ones on my stomach. "Umm, these are from around the time we hated each other" I gestured towards my upper arms. And I continued to work through each region, what or why, never staying on one for long. I was pulled to a hug mid sentence, letting some of the stress go away. Luke wasn't leaving me. But it was the crash of a dropping phone that broke the bubble.  
Startled I look at the door, there was Ashton standing there wide eyed and tears forming in his eyes. My stomach dropped.


	2. Ashton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Ashton knows the secret he tried so hard to keep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to work on longer POVs for all of you. So enjoy.

Aston POV

"Mikey! Luke!" I call out entering their room, the rain had ruined our pool time. Calum decided he was gunna call his parents then take a nap, I figured I would go play video games with Michael and Luke. Only when I entered their tv was off. I pull out my phone to text them when hear quiet noises coming from the bathroom. I push open the door, Luke never cares and Mike always locks the door. "Hey Lu..." I take in the scene in front of me. Luke and Michael sitting on the floor, Michael nearly naked, Luke fully clothed. It is odd in itself because Michael is such a private person, but god now I know why, his body is covered in scars, all of them self inflicted. My grip loosens on my phone, and it slips outta my hand at the same time my vision blurs. All I can think is 'He had to be in so much pain, why didn't he share at the same time I did?' Michael meets my eyes and his shoulders tense and he makes himself as small as possible, scooting back as far as he can.  
Luke looks over to me then back at Michael. "I didn't text him I swear. Check my phone." He takes it out to hand to the green haired boy.  
Michael shook his head, "I kn... know. I me... mean I believe you. L...Like you did for me."  
My heart broke at his voice. It was tiny and scared. I didn't even know he stuttered. I slowly took a step forward, as to not freak him out. I took a seat next to Luke, my phone forgotten. I want to ask why, but I know from experience that those questions just get frustrating, so I go another root. "When did you...?" I trail off in a way that I can gauge how I missed one of my best friends slide into depression.  
"Before we spent that year hating each other. And about 4 months ago he fully stopped." Luke answered, looking at me. He looked defeated and exausted. "Michael was just telling me the reasons behind some of them, so I could understand better. Isn't that right?" Michael nodded and mumbled something.  
"What was that Mikey?" I ask.  
"'Mmm sorry Ash. Didn't mean to let you d...down." He curled in even further on himself, if that was even possible. I knew what he meant tho. I glanced down at my wrists knowing that under my bracelets were scars. He is sorry for not telling us, for not stopping sooner, for us finding out this way.  
I remember how the boys found out about it with me. It was Michael who first noticed and now I knew why. He knew what to look for. One of my bracelets slipped and he had seen it, and agreed to keep it a secret, again, now I knew why. Eventually I told the boys and the rest is history. But we never knew about Michael, and for years he struggled on his own. Hell if he stopped 4 months ago, then every time we have been on tour or gotten hate, he had dealt with this alone.

Michael POV

Oh god Ash knows, he wasn't supposed to find out. He is gunna be so disappointed. So I do all I know how to do. "'Mmm sorry Ash. Didn't mean to let you d...down." I made my self smaller trying not to cry. How did this all go to shit so fast. For years I cut, and now that I have stopped half the band finds out. They are going to kick me out, they can't have people keeping secrets as big as this in the band. I just want to curl up and disappear, they are going to tell Calum and then they are going to kick me out and then I really will have no one. All the contacts I have made because of the band, all of the friends in other bands I have made, they will all be gone. I will be truly alone.   
"No Mikey... you didn't let me down. You are so strong, did you know that? I am so proud of you. You stopped all alone. I wish you had told us, but now that we know, we will be here for you. You aren't alone in this. Does Cal know." Ashton say rubbing my arm.   
"NO!" I yell. then lowering my voice I say. "He c...can't know. I ca...can't loose him t...too." I drag my fingers though my hair and finally let the tears out. I will die if I lose him. I will have no one to care about me, know one to talk me down from the edge without know they are doing it. No one to check on me after a week of not hearing from me.  
"Shhh. Mikey. We aren't going any where. Neither will Calum. Do you really think we would leave you?" Luke asked. I nodded. "Oh Mikey. We love you. Even after finding all of this out. Nothing could change that. And if Cal doesn't then he isn't worth your time." I glance to Ash. He is nodding  
"Oh." Is all I can say. "But I didn't tell you guys I c...cut for years."  
"And that is okay Mike. Completely okay." Ashton says. "Now do you wanna get dressed and tell Cal?" I shake my head no. "Are you going to?" I hesitate, but nod. "Okay let's get you up and dressed." They help me up and walk me out to the room.

Ashton POV

It is in helping Michael up that I noticed the blade in my hand. I shoot a look to Luke, who shakes his head no. Which I guess either means don't take it away, or no he didn't cut, or both. I nod and continue. I watch him pull on a pair of pants and a shirt and crawl under the covers. "Who do you want to stay with you? Me or Luke?" I ask.  
"L..Luke.: He says face down in his pillow. I nod and leave the room. 

 

Next Time

 

Ashton POV

As soon as I told Calum band meeting in Michael and Luke's' room he was out the door and in a run. I walked the distance, catching up with him at the elevator. once we were inside he looked at me and asked. "What's wrong? Has he relapsed?" It was like he didn't know what he was saying, because immediately afterwards he covered his mouth wide eyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last chapter guys!  
> I am also toying with the thought of doing a piece that had some snippets of Calum and Michael when they are younger. Dealing with that stutter I threw in for him to have, support form Calums family and what not.


	3. Calum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now all three of them know. But has Calum known longer?

Ashton POV

As soon as I told Calum band meeting in Michael and Luke's' room he was out the door and in a run. I walked the distance, catching up with him at the elevator. once we were inside he looked at me and asked. "What's wrong? Has he relapsed?" It was like he didn't know what he was saying, because immediately afterwards he covered his mouth wide eyed.

I hit the stop button jolting the elevator to a stop. "How long have you known?" I ask a little pissed. How could he keep this from us?

He looked down, his shoulders sagging. "Since year 10. He doesn't know I know. I couldn't say anything."

I punched the wall. "Michael has been dealing with this all alone when he didn't have too? He is terrified of you leaving him about this. He is terrified of all of us leaving him. And you fucking knew all this time."

He got angry now. "What the hell was I supposed to do? Tell his parents? I haven't seen them in almost 10 years. I'm not even sure Mikey has seen them in 7 years. Go to a teacher? Then they call home, child protective services gets involved. Mikey is taken away. I am all he had. Confront him? We fight, he is alone. He kills himself. Not many fucking options. So I kept an eye on him. I watched for years as my best friend destroyed himself and that's all I could do. Watch." 

I realized how right he was. He had a rock and a hard place and he made his decision. I might not be happy about it, but he had no other choice.

Calum POV

I feel the fight leave me and ask again. "Has he relapsed?" Ashton shook his head no. I nodded running through things in my head. "How is he doing, what are we walking in to?"

Ashton sighs. "He has a blade on him, but Luke has made no effort that I have seen to take it way from him. I found Luke in the bathroom with Michael. From what I gathered, Luke walked in on Michael changing, they ended up in the bathroom talking things out. Now we have him dressed and in bed. He has a stutter?" He lists of what has happened. I almost missed the question.

"Shit" I mouth before nodding. "Yeah for as long as I have known him he has. Hasn't been a problem since the beginning of year 9. Can we move please?" I motion to the stop button. He hits it and the elevator springs to life. We arrive on the floor that Michael and Lukes room is on. I knock on the door before using the keycard that Ashton handed me to get in. "Mikey?" I see curled up in a ball on the bed, a sight I haven't seen for a while.

He turns to look at me with red rimmed eyes. "C...Calum?"

My smile turns sad. "Oh Mikey. What has you so worked up that you are stuttering again?" I ask already knowing the answer. I sit on the bed and card my fingers through his hair.

"I...I wa...was a...a cu..." He starts getting more worked up.

"Hush. I know. I have since year 10. And you have no idea how proud I am that you stopped. That was so brave," I say. I have to get him to focus on one thing.

"Y...you knew? H...how?" He asks his voice a little stronger.

"Phys Ed. It was an accident. I wanted to say something but I was afraid of losing you." I say a soft smile returning.

"Y...you ar...aren't gu...gunna leave? E...even after I...I didn't tell you f...for so long?" He asks uncurling a little.

"Have I ever left you alone?" He shakes his head no. "Then why would I leave you after this?"

"I...I didn't think y...you wanted t...two people with baggage. I...I thought you would be mad I kept it a secret for so long." I could feel the other two boys relax as his stutter disappeared. They also sat on the bed now that he was calmer.

"Nonsense. You know I can't stay mad at you. How could I? You're my best friend. Do you wanna give me the razor? You can keep it in your bag. I know it helps you deal, but do you need it now?" I felt him tense before he handed it over. I handed it to Luke who put it back in his bathroom bag. I pulled Michael in for a hug. Soon after the other two join in. Yeah, we have secrets, some bigger then others. But we can work through anything together. And it may take a bit before Michael isn't terrified we are going to leave him. But do you blame him? I don't and I know that I will be with him every step of the way and so will the boys.

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for the next chapter!!!


End file.
